Forever Love
by Clairisant2000
Summary: AJ goes on a dangerous mission, but before he leaves tells Colonel Mackenzie that he has left JAG and she confesses her love for him. His response confuses her greatly.
1. Chapter 1

TITLE: Forever Love

AUTHOR: Clairisant

CLASSIFICATION: Song Fic AJ/Mac

RATING: PG

FEEDBACK: Would love to hear both good and bad feedback but please try to be kind and constructive. Clairisant

CREDITS: A special thanks to my beta reader Qupeydoll.

Thursday, May 13, 2004

0900 EST

JAG Headquarters

Heading to the staff meeting AJ paused at Harriett's desk and smiled, "Harriett, I have a present for little AJ's birthday in my office. Don't forget to pick it up. Can't have him thinking his Admiral AJ forgot."

"Thank you, Sir. I know he'll be thrilled."

"Okay, let's get down to business," thumbing through the files, everything looked blurry. "Damn, must be time for new glasses! Colonel, please read today's agenda." 

AJ headed back to his office, rubbing his temples trying to ease his headache. He made a detour to grab a cup of coffee. As he was pouring, Harriett came in, "Harriett, I have a package in my office, it's something for little AJ's birthday. Could you take it home for him? I don't want him thinking I forget."

"Sir? You already told me. I'll be sure to pick it up."

Nodding, AJ left the room, seeing Bud entering the bullpen, he stopped him. Harriett came out of the break room and was shocked to hear him say, "Bud, if you see Harriett, tell her I have a present for little AJ's birthday in my office."

"Yes, Sir, thank you for remembering."

"It'd be hard not to, Bud, since I delivered the little fellow," laughed AJ.

That afternoon, Harriett knocked on the Admiral's door. "Enter," he called.

Harriett stood at attention. "At ease, what can I do for you?" before she could speak, he continued, "Oh, before I forget. That package is for little AJ. I don't want him to think I'd forget his birthday."

"Admiral, that's the fourth time you've mentioned the present. Sir, are you feeling well?" she asked with concern. "It isn't like you to be so forgetful."

"I'm fine, I have a lot on my mind lately, I guess it's starting to show," he smiled sadly. "I didn't mean to worry you."

"Is there anything I can do to help, Sir?"

"No, there's nothing to be done. Thank you, Harriet, dismissed," he said, leaning back in his chair.

Friday, May 14, 2004

1300 EST

Bethesda Naval Hospital

AJ sat across the desk from Dr. LeSieur, after repeating the same tests he had hated five years ago, "Just give it to me straight, there's no need to beat around the bush."

"Okay. The tumor is growing. With the memory loss and the worsening of your vision, it seems to be growing rapidly. You probably have," she paused before continuing, "Six to eighteen months, but as I told you five years ago, once it starts growing, you will experience debilitating degeneration of brain functions. I wish I had better news for you, Admiral," she offered no sympathy, knowing he wanted none.

"I've had five years to get used to this. I just need you to do one more thing, please."

Later, AJ called the SECNAV to explain the situation and tender his resignation. AJ told him he could continue until Admiral Morris was brought up to speed, and that Colonel Mackenzie would smooth the changeover. They decided to make formal announcement next week.

"I'm sorry, AJ, I don't know what to say."

"There's nothing to say, Mr. Secretary. These things happen, we just have to face them as best we can," AJ replied.

AJ had put his affairs in order. He had explained to Bud that complete instructions for his funeral, letters to his family, and his Will were in his office wall safe. There were letters to Francesca and his sister Adele. The surprise would be the one addressed to Sarah Mackenzie. He needed to change it because recent events however.

Mac told him, as her CO, that she and Harm were going through with 'the baby deal'. She wondered if this would require a change in their positions at JAG. When questioned, Mac admitted that the conception would be done by artificial insemination. They had no plans for a relationship other than sharing parenting. In that case, AJ saw no reason for either of them to leave.

The following months Mac was injected with Harm's sperm at the height of her ovulation cycle. The first two times she got sick immediately after the procedure, but thought nothing of it. The third time she questioned her doctor. A simple allergy test determined she was allergic to his sperm. The baby deal was off.

Other than Harm, Mac had only told AJ about this. Last week, he heard Mac crying as he was leaving the office. They were the only ones still in the building and he had gone to investigate. It was then she had blurted out the news. Knowing how hard this had hit Sarah, AJ made a decision to help. That was the change he needed to make in his letter to her.


	2. Chapter 2

Saturday, May 15, 2004 (Armed Forces Day)

0935 EST

AJ pulled out the letter to Sarah he had finished that morning; he was placing it in his safe when the phone rang. "Chegwidden."

"Sir, Captain Rushford here. I need an attorney at Bethesda ASAP. We have a SEAL embarking on a no-return mission and need a Will drawn up quickly."

"I'll be right there, Captain," promised AJ.

"….so Mr. Secretary, we are agreed that my resignation is effective as of today. It was a pleasure to serve under you, goodbye."

AJ paged Mac, he was placing the letter in his safe as she arrived. "Mac, there's an emergency, you will be acting JAG until Admiral Morris and can take over."

"You're leaving JAG, Sir?" she asked disbelievingly.

"Not just JAG, Colonel, but the Navy as well."

"So you are no longer my CO?"

"Not as of five minutes ago, why?"

"There's something the position has kept me from telling you for eight years. I love you, AJ," she finally spoke the words burning in her heart.

He stood there, stunned, he had no idea she returned his feelings, but now it was too late. Closing his eyes in agony for a brief moment, he came around the desk, "I'm so very sorry, Sarah, but I can't act on that at this time." AJ knew it would be cruel to tell her of his feelings with what he was going into, but he couldn't pass up the chance to taste her lips just once. His greatest regret was that he hadn't kissed her in his bedroom six years ago. Gently drawing her into his arms, he kissed her, slowly, tenderly, and with every ounce of love that he felt.

Startled because of his words, a kindhearted rejection of her love she thought, it took her a moment to respond. When she began to kiss him back, she was even more confused. This was the kiss of a man in love! She just knew it! Why then, with the barrier of regulations gone at last, could he not act on his feelings? She was still wondering that when he ended the kiss, grabbed his cover, said, "Good bye, Sarah," and left.

Later she would think back to that good bye, in light of what was to come, and realize why it sounded so final.

At Bethesda, Captain Rushford met AJ, "Sir, our volunteer, Lieutenant Posen, is waiting,"

"Wrong! I'm your volunteer, Captain. I'm trained, ready, and my Will is up to date," advised AJ.

"Sir! The man has no family and is…younger."

"My daughter is grown. I'm a trained SEAL and I'm ordering you to lay out the plan for me." 

Reluctantly, Rushford explained the situation, "There is a terrorist holding the hospital hostage. Kazem Abou has worked here as a janitor for the last four months. This morning it seemed he went down to the research labs to clean as usual, but instead donned a haz-mat suit and released a biological agent into the atmosphere. That was just over thirty minutes ago, because of the closed ventilation system in the lab area, the rest of the hospital is not yet compromised."

Rushford paused for just a moment before going on, "However, that is not the current threat. Abou is demanding that Sadaam Hussein be set free. He has all the entrances and exits watched on monitors from the security room. If anyone tries to go in or out of the building, he will release the agent into the main hospital population. KT12X is particularly nasty, as those kinds of things go, and there is no cure for it. The agent brings hours of pain and misery. The onset was flu-like symptoms, fever, aches, and weakness, and then your blood started boiling. After six hours, your skin starts to peel off like well-cooked meat," AJ was informed.

"At this time, only the scientists and technicians in the lab area are infected. There are ten men and women in there dying." Then Rushford laid out the plan, "Sir, we plan to drop a man via parachute onto the roof. He will go in through the air vent system and take the terrorist out. It's the only way."

"That'll work. Get me to the plane," AJ ordered.

"But, Sir, you're the JAG!" Rushford exclaimed.

"Look Rushford, we don't have time to argue, call the SECNAV. In the meantime get me suited up!"  
**  
**Rushford placed the call, "Sir, I have a problem. Admiral Chegwidden wants to volunteer for a no-return mission."

"Chegwidden, has his reasons. He's your volunteer," stated Sheffield with a mixture of pride and sadness in his voice.

"Yes, Sir."

All suited up AJ inquired, "Well?"

"Congratulations, Admiral, you win. You must have been a HELL of a SEAL!" He looked AJ right in the eyes before continuing, "There are a couple more things that you should know, the KT12X takes twelve hours to dissipate in the air, even if you managed to kill or subdue Abou, you would not be able to exit the lab area. We will be sending you in with Cyanide capsules to give all of you quick deaths. You will need to blend in with the staff already there, that's why we can't give you a haz-mat suit."

"Understood, Captain. Now I have a request of you, I want you to have the families of the men and women in there, brought to a videophone system so once the threat is over they can say goodbye to them. Then I would like my staff at JAG to be asked to come to the office so I can say my goodbyes as well."

The news media had picked up the story when a visitor had used his cell phone to call out about not being allowed to leave because of a terrorist holding the hospital hostage. That was how Mac had heard about it. She had been in AJ's office with the television on in the background as he always left it, reading his letter of resignation for the third time trying to figure out why…when the news mentioning Bethesda Naval Hospital caught her attention. Mac looked up just in time to see AJ get out of his Escalade and enter the command center.

She didn't know why he was there, but when the call came in eighteen minutes later, her heart sank. Rushford told her that Admiral Chegwidden was taking the place of his SEAL volunteer on this no return mission. He told her of AJ's request to say goodbye to his JAG family.

He was going to die, and he had known it before he left! That was why his goodbye sounded so final! Forcing herself not to cry, she gathered the staff with phone calls ordering them to get to the office as fast as possible. Making a heartbreaking decision she asked Bud and Harriett to bring little AJ with them. She would explain when they got there.


	3. Chapter 3

AJ was given a pack that contained a lab coat, the cyanide, and a canister. "This is liquid foam. Release it before the inner seal in the vent shaft is opened. It will stop the agent from escaping. That my friend is the point of no return for you," he explained.

Nodding, he climbed into the plane. High above the hospital, AJ jumped. It had been sometime since he had made such a jump, but he did it with ease, landing on the roof and weighing down his chute. He then pried open the top of the ventilation shaft and crawled inside. He paused a moment, Dr. LeSieur had said he had six to eighteen months left to live, he shook his head, what may have been didn't matter now, he had a mission to do, and lives were at stake. He released the ripcord on the liquid foam canister and it completely sealed the shaft, he pried opened the inner seal. He had passed the point of no return.

Although he moved as quickly and quietly as possible, it was still slow going. He dropped out of the shaft and into the janitor's closet. AJ stripped off the jumpsuit and put on the lab coat and glasses. He straightened the nametag with a wry grin, glad that the rather large lady they got it from had been named Frances and not Nancy. After applying some baby oil to his forehead to give the appearance that he was developing a fever, he entered the hall with a slight shuffle to his walk.

As he wandered around getting the lay of the land, he avoided the cameras as much as possible, or at least kept his back to them, so Abou was not alerted by a new face. Since the scientists and technicians were allowed to roam free. It seemed he believed that they posed no threat to him. AJ would use that in his favor.

He was looking for Dr. Lansing the chief scientist. He found him collapsed in the restroom, he was an older man and the agent was taking a toll on him. "Dr. Lansing," he said quietly, "can you understand me?"

Weakly he replied, "Yes, who are you?"

"I'm a SEAL, I'm here to stop the terrorist. I need whatever information you can give me."

He seemed to awaken a bit at that, "He's in the security room. He came out of the janitor's closet in a haz-mat suit with two canisters; he opened one of them immediately. Dr. Roland tried to tackle him, but Abou shot him. He got into the security room and locked it before any of the rest of us could get close. Once we were too weak to challenge him he called to make his threats."

"Is there another way in there?" AJ asked.

"There's only the one door. I suppose there's also the ventilation shaft in the ceiling, but it's sealed as well."

AJ nodded and felt his head spin just a bit from the motion. He had studied the blueprints, but could not remember where the security room was. He pulled out the small version he had brought with him and had the Dr. show him the route. 'Damn glitchy memory!' he thought, then another thought hit him, 'Dammit!' he made a mental note, 'if you can remember it Chegwidden, ask Sarah to take care of Dammit.' He was finding his thoughts whirling out of his control and knew that it must be the tumor; he never had this kind of trouble focusing on a mission before.

He started back to the janitor's closet to renter the vents, when he heard a whir of a security camera turning towards him. "What are you doing?" he heard Abou ask over the intercom.

"Dr. Lansing threw up in the bathroom, I'm getting a mop," AJ replied thinking quickly of an excuse.

"Why bother, you'll be dead soon," Abou laughed.

"We'll all be dead sooner or later," he said with disdain, as he continued to the closet.

AJ returned to the bathroom with the mop and waited until he felt it had been long enough for Abou to lose interest in him. He checked the video camera, and seeing it back in its normal position, he shuffled to the closet. AJ reentered the ventilation system and crawled to the air seal, he quietly pried it up, and continued on.

He was over the security room; he could see a man in a haz-mat suit below him that had to be Abou. He was watching a TV with ZNN showing the story. The second canister was nowhere to be seen, so he must have planted it elsewhere in the hospital already.

As he tried to gauge the jump, his vision blurred. 'Damn, this is definitely the wrong time for this.' he thought rubbing his eyes, but it didn't help, his vision it seemed would not clear. 

"I have bomb attached to the second canister of KT12X, it's in the airshaft above the nursery, it will go off in one hour unless I see that Sadaam has been released," demanded Abou.

"We need more time!" AJ heard the voice of Clayton Webb exclaim.

"Liar! You have been saying that for two hours now! You will never release him, I will slay these infidels, NOW!"

AJ saw his hand moving towards something and knew he had to act immediately. He jumped down through the air-vent towards the blurred figure below and they both fell to the ground.

Abou screamed in rage as he rolled to his knees. AJ swung his leg into Abou's side, knocking the breath out of him. He tried to spin over and on top of Abou, but misjudged the distance and fell beside him. Abou stood and pulled the gun as he moved towards AJ who crouched on the floor near him. "Now you die!" snarled Abou. AJ dove into his legs as the bullet hit his shoulder. He pulled Abou to him knocking the gun from his hand. Locking his arm around Abou's neck he jerked hard once, breaking his neck and killing him instantly. "I told you we'd all be dead sooner or later," AJ said as he dropped the body to the ground.

"What's going on?" he heard Webb yelling

"It's over, Abou's dead," he said as he turned off the detonator.

"Chegwidden! What the hell are you doing there?"

"Taking care of a problem. Rushford called and said they needed a lawyer," he said with a smirk.

"Damn it, AJ, why you?"

"I'm dying anyway."

"Oh…so you rode to the rescue one last time I see," he said wryly with sadness in his voice.

"Tell Rushford, it's done. Hook up the video link now." 

Gathering the scientists together, AJ told them, "We have set up a link so you can all say goodbye to your families." He passed out the cyanide capsules. "After you finish, put this in you mouth and bite down. It's cyanide, so it will be over quickly," he explained. 


	4. Chapter 4

When they had finished their goodbyes, Admiral Chegwidden stepped up to the video system and waited to be told they had switched to the JAG office. "Sir, Colonel Mackenzie has arranged for you to speak to your daughter first," Rushford told him.

'Oh, Sarah, thank you!' he thought as he heard Francesca's voice, "Papa? Why?"

"There is too much to explain right now, my dear, just know that I love you and regret that we didn't have more time to spend together."

"Ciao, Papa, I love you!"

"Ciao, daughter, I love you, too."

AJ was then connected to the JAG office. His vision was gone, he couldn't see the people he was talking to, and so he called them by name to say his goodbyes. "Jennifer, keep up the good work, and let Admiral Morris..."

"…finish a sentence, Sir?" she said meekly.

"Yes, Jennifer," he said with an indulgent grin.

"Okay, Sir," she said with a quiver in her voice.

"Sturgis, it was good getting to know you, please tell your father goodbye for me. Would you give him the cannon from my desk?"

"I will, Sir, it was an honor and a privilege serving with you," he nodded and stepped aside.

"Harm, what can I say? It's been a roller coaster ride with you, but one I wouldn't have missed."

"Nor I, Sir, you will be sorely missed."

"Bud, if a man could choose his son, I would have picked you. Take care of your wonderful family."

"Yes, Sir," he said sadly. "Having you as the inspiration in my life has made me a better man. No one could have had a better role model…" choking up, Bud couldn't say anymore so he just saluted.

"AJ, they won't have to call you 'little' anymore, son, you'll be the only one. Make me proud of you."

"Thank you for my birfday present, I liked it! Bye Admiral AJ," he saluted. The Admiral, knowing that his namesake always saluted when he said goodbye, saluted back, even though he couldn't see him.

"Harriett, you are as dear to me as my own daughter. Will you do two things for me?"

"Of course, Sir."

He continued, "Keep the baseball on my desk for AJ when he gets older, and," motioning her closer to the camera, he said softly, "take care of Mac for me."

Understanding dawned in her eyes and Harriett said, "I will, Sir. Thank you for our son, we will never let him forget you. I love you, Sir!" she was crying too hard to go on.

"Mommy, why is Admiral AJ going to die?" he asked with tears in his eyes.

"Because he is the bravest man in the world and loves his country very much," she explained.

"Thank you so much for thinking of Francesca, it meant a lot to be able to say goodbye to her as well. Sarah, your smile always brightened my day, I wish I could see it one more time."

Attempting to smile Sarah said, "I will miss you more than I can say, Sir."

"I would like you to take Dammit for me, I know how much you have missed Jingo since Chloe took him with her."

"Gladly, Sir, I'll take her with me jogging in the park every day, so she has some space.

"No need of that, Sarah, I have left you my house."

"Sir?" Mac asked incredulously.

Having heard that, Harriett knew her suspicions had been right all along, he loved Mac and wanted to say a final goodbye, "Let's give them a moment alone," she said, motioning for the others to follow her.

Knowing they were now alone, AJ said, "Sarah…I'm sorry that I couldn't return your feelings this morning, but I knew how cruel it would be, knowing that this was coming. I couldn't do that to you."

Almost blinded by her tears, "I knew when you kissed me that you loved me, I just didn't understand why you couldn't tell me since you were leaving the Navy. I won't ask why you volunteered, because I know the man that you are, and that makes it obvious. But there is one thing that I would like to ask you…"

With a sincerity that is only found in true love, he said, "Anything, Sarah, anything."

"Please say it…" she looked to his eyes, lost in their depth, "just once…"

Though they were miles away, he could feel her gaze, as though she was right there, with her arms wrapped around him, "I love you, my beautiful Sarah. Forever and always."

"Oh AJ," the tears were streaming down her face, "I will love you forever."

"Forever and always," he whispered to her as he switched off the camera.

AJ sat down on the floor. Opening his wallet, he took out a picture of her that he had carried for years. He had always kept it hidden behind his Navy ID so it wouldn't be seen by anyone if he were to open his wallet. He knew the picture by heart, and even though he couldn't see it, he caressed her face with his thumb. "Sarah," he whispered. AJ bit down on the capsule, the shock of the cyanide entering his system cleared his vision. He died looking at her beautiful face.

They had removed the twelve bodies from the lab and taken them to the morgue when Bud went to AJ's safe and pulled out the packet the Admiral had shown him years ago. Opening it, he began to make the arrangements requested.

When Adele and Francesca arrived for AJ's funeral, Bud gave them their letters. He had given Mac hers the day AJ died.

Sarah had waited until she was alone to read:

May 14, 2004

Dearest Sarah,

If you are reading this, then I am dead. I had known it was coming for sometime so was able to prepare. Five years ago I was diagnosed with an inoperable brain tumor, this morning, I was told it had started growing, and soon I would no longer be myself. So, I am going away. I don't want to be a burden on those I love.

I could never speak of my love for you while I was alive, but it was strong and true. I know how saddened you were when you could not conceive a child so to that end I have made arrangements for a vial of my sperm to be frozen for your use alone, should you decide to use it. I have provided for you whether or not you choose to have our child. I love you, Sarah, and have since that first day in my office.

Bud should have also given you a CD that has a song on it that says better than I could how I feel about you. The song is, 'To Where You Are'.

All my love,

AJ

She put the CD in her player and listened to the breathtaking words:

Who can say for certain

Maybe you're still here

I feel you all around me

Your memory's so clear

Deep in the stillness

I can hear you speak

You're still an inspiration

Can it be

That you are my

Forever love

And you are watching over me

From up above

Chorus:

Fly me up to where you are

Beyond the distant star

I wish upon tonight

To see you smile

If only for awhile

To know you're there

A breath away's not far

To where you are

Are you gently sleeping

Here inside my dream

And isn't faith believing

All power can't be seen

As my heart holds you

Just one beat away

I cherish all you gave me

Everyday

'Cause you are my

Forever love

Watching me

From up above

And I believe

That angels breathe

And that love will live on

And never leave

Chorus

If only for awhile

To know you're there

A breath away's not far

To where you are

Chaplain Turner conducted a moving graveside service. No one could understand why Sarah wore a gentle smile throughout the entire service. She was carrying a precious secret under her heart.

The End


End file.
